Duck!
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger creates a slight catastrophe when he designs the perfect duck call.


**There are ducks everywhere and they have taken the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Come for more madness. And terror. But mostly madness at the horrors of…**

 **Duck! **

"Well AJ," Lana sighed as she drove her car to work. "We're off to work again."

"YAYYYY!" AJ squealed as she rode in the back in a child's seat.

"Yeah, **yay** ," Lana rolled her eyes. "With all the money I pay to your school…. I could send you to Epcot three times a year for a week and you'd probably learn more. And it would be **cheaper**."

"Ducky!"

"Okay you want to hear the rubber ducky song again?" Lana sighed. "Well…WHAT THE…."

"QUACK! QUACK!" A duck almost flew into Lana's window. It took all her skills to not crash the car.

"Ducky!" AJ pointed. "Look Mommy! Ducky!"

"Yes, AJ I see the ducky…" Lana groaned. "Mommy almost **ran over** the ducky! Flat Ducky!"

"Another ducky!" AJ squealed.

"What the…?" Lana swerved and nearly hit another duck in the street. She saw some more ducks flying by. "What's with all the ducks today?"

Indeed, there were dozens of ducks flying around. Waddling on the sidewalk. Flying overhead. Some were sitting at tables at outdoor cafes. And being chased around by angry waiters. One waiter slipped and fell while chasing a duck. Then another duck landed on his head and pecked it.

Lana blinked. "This looks like what would happen if Donald Duck took over from Alfred Hitchcock."

"Duckies! Duckies! Duckies!" AJ squealed with delight.

"Yeah there are duckies everywhere," Lana looked around as she drove. "I mean there's even more of them. It's like all the duckies in the state decided to show up on this street…Where Mommy works. Yeah there's **lots** of duckies flying around the Figgis Agency."

"Oh no…" Realization came over Lana. "No. No. NO! GOD NO! KRIEGER DAMN IT!"

Meanwhile inside the Figgis Agency bullpen…

"This is all your fault Krieger!" Cyril snapped.

"Oh sure!" Krieger snapped. "Blame the super scientist that made the machine that attracted all the ducks!"

"THAT'S WHAT WE ARE DOING!" Ray shouted.

"And the only thing super about you is what a super **asshole** you are!" Pam added.

"Man, there are a lot of ducks out there," Cheryl looked out the window. "It's like a McDuck family reunion."

"WAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKK!"

CRASH!

"With some relatives of Launchpad McQuack thrown in," Cheryl blinked.

"Look this can be fixed," Krieger said. "No problem."

"KRIEGER!" Lana was heard shouting.

"Problem," Ray looked at Krieger.

"Krieger!" Lana stormed in carrying AJ. "We need to have a talk."

"Sure," Krieger gulped. "Just remember there is an impressionable child in the room."

"Hi!" AJ waved.

"Good point," Lana said. "Pam could you take AJ to my office please?"

"She doesn't have to go," Krieger said quickly. "In fact, I'd be happy if she stayed **right here!"**

"Come on sweetie," Pam took AJ. "You're too young to see this."

" **I'm** not old enough for **this**!" Krieger protested. Lana grabbed him by the throat. "Meep!"

"Krieger…" Lana glared at him. "WHY? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A DUCK CALL THAT POWERFUL?"

"Are you talking rhetorically or…?" Krieger blinked. Lana squeezed his throat. "Errrkkk!"

"Lana release him!" Cyril said.

"As you wish," Lana dropped Krieger to the floor. "Tell me Krieger what possessed you to make a duck call in the first place. And please don't tell me it had to do with something you saw on reality show!"

"Okay I won't tell you," Krieger coughed. Lana glared at him. "Kidding! Kidding! I had a reason for doing it!" Krieger stood up.

"What reason is that?" Lana snapped.

"Uhhh…" A very familiar face peeked out from around the corner. It was Krieger's clone Adal. "This was my bad actually…I kind of asked him to."

"Adal…" Lana paused _. "Why?"_

"As you know," Adal said. "I work in the department of animal control."

"Which is very helpful if I need test subjects," Krieger added.

"Well we were called in to wrangle some ducks from the mayor's pool," Krieger paused. "And we've been having trouble."

"You called Krieger in to make you a duck call so it would be easier to catch them," Lana put it together.

"I figured if I added an amplifier of a subliminal frequency it would work," Krieger said.

"QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!" A duck flew by the window.

"This worked a little too well Krieger," Cyril said.

HONK! HONK!

"QUACK! QUACK!"

SCRREEEEEEEEECHHH!

CRASH!

"That car just crashed right into the bank across the street!" Ray gasped.

"Should have just run the stupid duck over," Cheryl remarked. "Ha! Now the ducks are waddling into the bank! Why are they going into the bank?"

"Don't say it," Lana groaned.

"Because they have bills," Cyril remarked.

"He said it anyway," Lana glared at Cyril.

"It was a softball!" Cyril protested.

"Pretty fowl weather we're having," Cheryl added. "Get it?"

"Oh, I know some people who are going to **get it**!" Lana glared at Krieger and Adal.

"I was trying to do something nice!" Krieger protested. "And you know? Duck test subjects. I feel like I've as gone as far as I can with pigs."

"Some would say you've gone **too far** years ago!" Ray snapped.

"That you've quacked up," Cyril added.

"Why are those ducks flying into that restaurant?" Cheryl asked.

"Because it's too far for them to walk," Adal told her.

"Seriously?" Lana glared.

"QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!"

"COME BACK WITH THAT MONEY!" A bank teller was chasing some ducks with money in their beaks.

"Why are they stealing money?" Lana asked.

"They're robber duckies," Ray quipped.

"Don't be a wise quacker," Lana snapped. "God now **I'm** doing it!"

"We're all quacking up," Ray smirked.

"This isn't funny Ray!" Lana snapped.

"I don't know," Cheryl pointed at some ducks chasing people. "I think **that's** kind of funny."

"At least they aren't playing basketball games," Cyril added.

"What would be the problem with that?" Cheryl asked.

"They'd make too many fowl shots," Cyril said.

"That's a pretty fowl joke," Lana said.

"Quack! Quack!" A duck waddled into the room.

"Ducky!" AJ giggled as she chased the duck around.

"Sorry," Pam said. "One of the ducks in the box got out."

"A box of ducks?" Lana asked. She glared at Krieger. "What do you need a box of ducks for?"

"In case we want wine and quackers!" Krieger quipped.

"That was pretty fowl too," Ray added.

"AJ stop chasing the duck," Lana groaned. "You didn't answer my question!"

"Well I have to take some ducks back to show the mayor!" Adal said. "Otherwise he would think I wasn't doing my job."

"I think the Duck-Pocalypse out there will clue him in," Lana pointed. "Just what we need around here. More bird brains."

"A detective duck to quack the case," Pam added. "A duck-tective!"

"Uh should we do something about what's going on out there?" Cyril pointed to the chaos outside the office. "It's like something out of a horror movie."

"QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!" Several ducks comically chased a man in a suit down the street.

He was screaming into his cell phone. "SOMEBODY CALL ANIMAL CONTROL! OR AT THE VERY LEAST A FOUR-STAR RESTAURANT!"

"More like a parody of a horror movie," Ray remarked.

"QUACK! QUACK!"

A car careened down the street and crashed into a lamppost. Out of the passenger's side a duck flew out. "Why are ducks such bad drivers?" Cheryl asked.

"Their windshields are quacked," Pam quipped. "Dogs make better drivers. Because they have licenses."

"Hey Featherbrains!" Lana snapped. "Enough with the jokes!"

"You mean enough with the yolks?" Pam quipped.

"What the hell are we going to do with all these ducks?" Lana groaned.

"Why don't we just make pate out of them?" Cheryl asked.

"That's geese, Bird Brain!" Pam snapped.

"Nuh uh," Cheryl said. "You can make pate out of duck!"

"She's right," Ray said. "You can make duck pate. I've seen it."

"No way," Pam said.

"Total way," Cheryl said. "We had duck pate every Sunday."

"Every Sunday?" Pam asked.

"In May," Cheryl said.

"I guess you were right Ray," Pam said.

"Stop with the rhymes!" Lana ordered. "Krieger where is the duck call from Hell now?"

"It's on the roof," Krieger said. "But all the ducks chased us away. They are very aloof."

"They really got aggressive for some reason," Adal said. "I think it could be mating season."

"Can you put that machine in reverse?" Cyril asked. "To get rid of the duck curse?"

"You guys are just making it worse!" Lana said. "I swear this is catching…"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"AJ leave the duck alone!" Lana groaned as she went to get her daughter. "Krieger! Adal! Go up on the roof and **fix this!"**

"Take Huey, Dewey and Screwy with you," Cyril pointed to Pam, Ray and Cheryl.

"Hang on," Krieger noticed something. "I think the ducks are leaving on their own."

"Well they did put a lot of expenses on their bills," Adal remarked. "But he's right! They're flying away!"

"See?" Cheryl said. "I knew if we did nothing it would sort itself out."

"That's what you always do!" Cyril said.

"Hey if it ain't broke…" Cheryl shrugged.

"I'd better take this little guy here," Adal grabbed the duck. "Put him back in the box."

"You know what a duck's favorite treat is?" Pam asked. "A box of Quacker Jacks."

AJ laughed. "Don't encourage her," Lana groaned. "Where do you think those ducks are flying off to?"

"Looks like they're flying downtown," Adal remarked. Then his phone went off. "Uh oh…"

Adal answered it. "Animal Control…Oh hello Mayor. I got the ducks out of your pool. What? There are more at city hall? And all over the city? Yes, I've noticed. How did this **happen?** I have no idea. Probably global warming. Yeah. Global warming confused these poor creatures! Yes. Yes. I understand. Right away…"

"Let me guess," Ray said as Adal hung up his phone. "He wants you to get rid of the ducks."

"And if I don't…" Adal groaned. "I'm ducked!"

"I'd better help you," Krieger sighed.

"First," Cyril warned. "You're going to dismantle that stupid machine and get rid of it so that no one can trace this to us!"

"Aw man," Krieger pouted. "I'm sure the ducks will fly away. Sooner or later. I think."

"Quack," AJ pointed to Krieger.

"You said it Kiddo," Lana picked up her daughter and walked away.

"Hurtful!" Krieger pouted.


End file.
